It is rare that I meet a mum who doesn’t experience the “mum guilts”. The mum guilts are that voice in our head that tells us we aren’t fulfilling the needs of those around us enough, all while completely ignoring our own needs.
The mum guilts tell us, “I didn’t get home early enough,” “I should have been more present.” And when we nail those things, the mum guilts come at us from a different angle: “I didn’t get enough work done today,” “I’m letting the team down,” “the house is too messy” (don’t even start on the endless cycle of meal prep!).
The mum guilts block us from thinking about what we need to fill our own cup.
Even when we do know what would help, guilt often stops us from doing those things. It tells us we shouldn’t take time for ourselves or do the things that help us recharge. It stops us from recognising that if we did do those things, it might in turn give us more capacity to look after those around us. Instead, we feel we don’t deserve it or that we are burdening someone else, and stay stuck in a cycle of feeling inadequate, overrun, and weighed down by guilt.
So why do we get the mum guilts?
1. Negative bias:
We are very good at noticing the negative and much less practised at noticing the positive
Whenever I ask people what they like about themselves, or what they feel they are doing well, I’m quite often greeted with a long pause — that awkward and slightly terrifying moment of, “What? I have to talk about my strengths?” When I flip the question and ask what they don’t like about themselves, or what they don’t feel they are doing well, they generally find that much easier to answer.
That is NOT because they aren’t doing things well. It’s because they are their own worst critic. Our brains are very good at recognising our perceived shortfalls. This hardwiring towards negativity is not due to being an inherently negative person. It is because the brain is designed to scan for problems rather than to notice what is going well. This negativity bias evolved to detect threats and keep us safe, but in modern life it often shows up as self-criticism rather than actual threat. Understanding this can help us step back from our thoughts and recognise them for what they are — just thoughts!
So when a mum tells me she isn’t doing well enough, it’s rarely because she actually isn’t. It’s almost always because the voice of the inner critic is simply too loud.
Which leads to…
2. Unrelenting expectations:
Our negative bias and inner critic feeds off unrelenting expectations. These are the expectations we place on ourselves that never seem to ease up. They often start with a “must” or a “should”: “I must have dinner ready,” “I should have done more today.” Unrelenting expectations form part of the list of rules we mentally write for ourselves about how things should be done. But even when we get those things done, the unrelenting expectations don’t go away.
Unrelenting expectations often develop as an attempt to stay safe, competent, and accepted. Our minds create rigid “shoulds” and rules based on past experiences, social messages, and a fear of getting things wrong. While these expectations are meant to help us cope, they often persist long after they are useful, leaving little room for flexibility, self-compassion, or the realities of being human.
What’s more, these rules are often not based on our own values, but rather on how we think others might be appraising us, or what we assume they expect of us. Often I ask the question, “Why does doing that matter to you?” and the answer is, “I don’t know, I just feel like I should do that.” And there can be a long list of these shoulds: I should have dinner ready, I should have the house clean, I should have done more activities with my child today. But why?
Not only are we doing what we think other people expect of us, we also have no gauge of how they feel when we do it. We can never know what other people are thinking. So we are left with — I’m expected to do this… but am I doing it good enough?
And where do those expectations come from…
3. Comparisons!
We are all too good at comparing ourselves to other people. And everything around us suggests that other people are doing it better (plot twist — they’re not). Whether it’s on social media or in real life, we appraise others and then use that information to appraise ourselves.
Humans naturally compare themselves to others — it’s how our brains evaluate progress and social standing. The problem is we usually only see a snapshot of someone else’s life, not the full picture. Our brains treat these glimpses as meaningful, which can trigger guilt or feelings of not measuring up, even when there’s no real basis for it.
When we compare, we are usually comparing just a snapshot of someone else’s life with the full picture of our own. A carefully curated social media post does not tell us much about the person behind the reel. A playdate at a friend’s spotless house doesn’t reveal the hours spent tidying beforehand or their own worries about being judged. We see only the parts others allow us to see and assume those snapshots represent the full picture.
Meanwhile, we know all the nitty-gritty details of our own lives. This is why comparison is never fair — and why it so often fuels mum guilt: “That mum has it all together, so why don’t I?” Plot twist: she doesn’t.
So what do you do from here?
Holding all this in mind doesn’t stop the guilt from showing up. But it can help you recognise where it comes from and see it for what it is: “mum guilt”
Here are a few things you can try to get the mum guilts to back off:
- Do the thing that will be good for your own self-care, even if the guilt wants to stop you.
- Whenever you start a sentence with “should,” ask yourself why you should.
- Notice when you are comparing yourself to someone else, and remind yourself that you’re just seeing a snapshot — not the whole picture.
NB: All of the above doesn’t just apply to mums — dads can experience similar guilt too, even if we don’t hear about it as often!
At GV Wellbeing, we love talking to parents about parenting, balance, reducing guilt, and feeling more positive and in control. If you need the mum guilts to back off, please reach out!
